St. LouisI am just your average Witch.
Many of my beliefs come from various places along the Path of what most term as the Occult. Call it Paganism, Kemeticism, Druidism and a lot if 'isms they all make up the beliefs I hold dear.
I am a dreamer of dreams and a seeker of visions. I have spoken to the man in the mountain, and praised the Goddess in the clouds. I was gifted to see pieces of tomorrow and blessed with seeing lifetimes of the past.
My interests are as varied as the wind and as simple as the earth. I am a witch, a descendent of the Fae, and a believer and neighbor to the "Little People" who still reside today.
Say what you will of me, it matters not, for I am a daughter of the Goddess and under her divine protection.
~*~ Iris for wisdom, bluebell for truth, juniper for protection, lemon for youth, eucalyptus for healing, plumeria for love, marigold to divine messages from the Goddess above. A spell that is simple, fragrant and sweet, and will open the hearts of those that you meet! ~*~
Have you ever wanted to just reach thru the monitor and grab someone by the throat and bash their head against their keyboard? Have you read someoneís response to something youíve written and the first thought that goes thru your mind is ďWhat a fucking assholeĒ. Or, and this is my personal favorite, have you ever been involved on a board that has two or three drama llamaís who continually turn half of the threads into being about them?
What do you do? Do you just go on and ignore all of what annoys you? Do you find yourself another internet home? Or do you call them out on their bullshit?
I ignore it. I just slowly stop posting at those places and eventually move on. I may not be as happy where I end up, or like the people as much, but for me itís easier to ignore the hurt feelings and snide remarks until I canít. Then I just leave. Oh I may pop back on occasion to see what is going on, and I do keep in contact with people from boards I have left because of my spinelessness, but for the most part, I am not a confrontational.
This goes back to my childhood. Young ladies do not draw attention to themselves. Children should be seen and not heard. Then as an adult, living in multiple domestic violence shelters it is pounded into your brain. Do not draw attention to yourself. Keep in the background. Do not make waves, do not cause any problems. Basically eat this shit and keep fucking quiet about it.
As a general rule, this servitude attitude of mine does not bother me all that much. It does however, drive my children up the wall. Because of that Iíve been working on standing up for myself and making myself heard. Iím not doing a real good job of it.
I think this is why I am so angry all of the time. And I do mean all of the time. I canít remember a time in the last 8 years that Iíve not been madder than hell. Iím sure it goes back much farther than that, but thatís around the time I remember the incident that started it all. I was in Walhell with the kids. We were looking for new pool toys for the boys. The kidís dad was incarcerated at the time and had been for well over a year. Anyway, this woman comes up to me and in front of my kids tells me in great detail how she had been sleeping with my husband for the 6 months prior to his going to jail. Then she went on to tell me that she needed to let him know that she had tested positive for HIV. Iím sure there was a lot more she said, I have never been able to recall anything she may or may not have said beyond testing positive for HIV. I just stood there. Even after she walked away, I just stood there.
Yesterday I realized that Iíve been just standing there ever since, in fact, I was standing there all along. I think what scares me more now is that Iím still standing there. I suppose one could take it as a positive that at least Iím still standing period. There are thousands of self help books, videos, tapes and programs that would raise me up as a shining example of how to survive. My problem with that is I was ďjust survivingĒ all along. I want to do more than ďjust survive.Ē I want to live and to enjoy it. Iím not even saying I donít want to be mad anymore, to be honest I donít know that I would know how to act without the rage, but I really want to know, want to try to just for a while, to be happy. Because I havenít been in years.
Posted at 11:26 am by KharaSiochain
Don't sweat the little things. Just let it roll off your back. Don't let it get to you. Don't stress it. Don't worry about it. Forget about it. How many times have you heard that in your life?
It's funny how life goes isn't it? I think at the heart of the matter we are all looking for that one person or persons to share ourselves with. Not always our most intimate details, just friends to hang with, share the ups and downs and such the day to day stuff.
A lot of times people think they have found something like that on this internet forum or that one. Everyone is always there with the advice or the I'm so sorry or happy or whatever the required emotion is. But you know what? When push comes to shove and the really truly serious shit hits the fan, nobody gives a flying fuck. And you learn at that time who your real friends actually are.
And you want a little piece of advice? It's really quite rare that you find them on the internet. One out of thousands maybe and that is if you are truly lucky.
I realized this today when I went on to what I have considered my "internet home" for damn near four years now. Playing catch up from the holiday weekend to see what everyone had been up too. As I was reading thru who got laid and who did this and who did that I noticed something. Even though parts of my city were completely devastated by tornados this weekend added to the fact that no one knows where I live in that city, there was not a single word of care or concern if I was alive or dead. It's not like anyone with a TV, radio or internet was not aware of the devastation, it was all over the news nationwide, hell I even had a facebook message from a friend in Australia who had seen it on the national news. So this got me to thinking, why in the world do I associate, even online, with people who don't give a shit one way or the other if I'm alive or dead. And you know what the answer is? I don't any longer.
It's not like I have any right to be angry, and in truth I'm not. I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt, but I'm not mad. I mean it's not like I've made any effort or shown any concern myself for anyone else right? I'm caustic and sarcastic and in truth quite the bitch. So I reckon it's only the response I deserve right? I've never bothered to try and make anyone feel better when they've posted a problem, never shown any concern for those who are in the wake or aftermath of the weather. So how can I possibly think I have any right to be upset? Saddest part is I really can't quite figure out why I am.
Sometimes you need to know that somebody gives a fuck. Because living with the knowledge that no one does really sucks.
Posted at 10:36 am by KharaSiochain
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
If it weren't for bad luck...
When I was a child, my grandfather loved watching Hee Haw. In truth when you only have 3 channels, it was the highlight of Saturday evening. I remember being a kid and singing this at the top of my lungs...
Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Which, if any of y'all are old enough to remember was sung by a bunch of guys sitting around on a porch and the middle verse would be a joke.
Anyway..... this song has been running through my brain since Dad died. I swear I think the man left a curse on the house or something, I don't know. But since he died, for every single good thing that has happened, something terrible has completely wiped it out.
We had another accident last night. Even if the car isn't totalled, by the time I get paid again, at $195 for the tow and $25 a day, I can't afford to get it back and still pay those pesky bills like electric and such.
When my oldest got his license, my insurance went up so much I dropped the full coverage I have always had and went with the basic. So while the other person's car is paid for, yeah, you see where this is going right?
So I am having one of the bad days of chaos. One of those days it's a good thing the guns are gone and even better I'm never alone for more than 5 minutes.
I'm just so tired.
Posted at 11:34 am by KharaSiochain
Slacking but not from being lazy...
Damn I have been slacking. However, do not for one second think that the chaos has been taking a break. I've just been trying to fight my way to the surface after this latest tidal wave if insanity.
First off, thank god, Duston is back in form and is on the field making me cringe with every hit just like he should be. All three are in school and the grocery bill has dropped so dramatically that you would think I would have extra money to spend. NOT!!
A little history. I'm married to a complete whoremonger asshole. Well that's just my current term of endearment. At one time the State of Florida called him a murdering bastard and had his ass on death row. Then the court of appeals reviewed everything and since my testimony had been thrown out, they overturned his conviction and set him freeÖ.. wooohoooo! Free to threaten me and the kids. Free to move to California and take up with the "new Michelle" and start a family with her and completely ignoring the three kids he already hadÖ
For you younger ones out there a piece of advice. NEVER EVER EVER EVER get someone's name tattooed on your body unless it is a parent or sibling and even then think hard. See my husband has my name in 4 different very visible places on his body. Makes it really hard to date I am sure. So now he is dating the 'new Michelle' as we call her.
I have been begging him to divorce me forever now. He keeps telling me it is in the works. Nothing happens. In the almost 5 years since he has been out he has sent the boys each 2 pair of shoes and a pair of cleats. He has sent Joy one pair of shoes. Now mind you, those were the first things he ever bought the younger two as I left when my Joy was 6 months old. She's 11 now.
So we started calling him back in June to work up to the kids getting shoes for school. At that time he said give him a couple of weeks. Well we keep getting closer to the start of school and he pulls his I'm not answering my phone bullshit. That it his m.o. he will just ignore the calls and texts until he decides the kids have forgotten. Problem is he is too stupid to realize the kids never forget.
So JW texts him and goes so off on him that he texts me, threatens to come here to St. Louis and take the kids. BA HA HA HA HA HA. In any event, he did not send me the money he promised. As a result, I had to get a fucking title loan on the fucking car to get shoes and uniforms for the kids. UGH!!
I'm already working 2 jobs and now I'm looking for a 3rd. How the hell did I end up here? I used to have a life. It wasn't much of one, but I had one. It's times like this, I so miss my mom.
Posted at 09:57 am by KharaSiochain
4th of July - Revisited....
4th of July..... continued..... I went to court today, praying they would let me make payments on all of the tickets I had been issued over the whole 4th BS.
I WON!! The judge threw out all of the charges AND told the officer who was such an ass that it was disgraceful the way he handled the situation.
So this is a day that I get the bear!!!
Posted at 09:55 am by KharaSiochain
When the Chaos makes you look like an idiot....
I debated writing about this because well, truthfully I am so damned embarrased about it.
I bought a car. An '01 Taurus. It was necessary as my mom's Buick that I have been driving for 4 years now has been in terrible shape for a year now. There is only so much you can repair when it's truly fucked.
So, living where I live, the first purchase after the car was a club. It's not an option, you really need one in this city. So I go to the AutoZone and pick me out a new club. This was last Friday. Put it under my seat for that evening and drove the heck out of the car to try and get Duston's crap for camp. He's gone for a month, that's a lot of drawers and socks and shit.
So we get home that night and JW shows me how to put the new club on (he was driving and it makes him feel all guy when he knows how to do stuff). He handed me the keys which I put on my keychain while sitting in the car.
Cut to next morning, up at the buttcrack of dawn to take Duston to football camp (day camp no biggie except it's 6:30 am on a fucking Saturday) but before we get in the car, the kid's mom from down the street said she would drive them there if I would pick up. AWESOME!!! Went back to sleep for a couple of hours.
Went to leave to pick up the boys. Got in the car, no keys for the stick. Checked my purse, checked the car, the house, the couches, chairs, vents, fridge and freezer, washer and dryer, the ground for almost the entire damned block, no fucking keys. So we try to destroy the club lock. Screwdriver and hammer looked like it was going to work before the screwdriver broke. I tried drilling it but I have a cheapass drill and all it did was spin. I had to have a locksmith come out and drill the damned club.
So, I pulled the spark plug wires off the damn Buick and used that club for the Taurus.
Still have not found those damned keys!
Posted at 01:15 pm by KharaSiochain
You would think I would learn. I mean let's be honest, it's not like I shouldn't expect it right?
So, on the 4th I decided, fuck all my ghetto ass neighbors, I'm going to have friends over, we're gonna BBQ, drink lots of beer and have a good day! It's the thought that counts right?
The day started innocently enough. I was in the kitchen putting kabobs together when my youngest son comes running in to tell us the broken down rotted chunk of fence across the street is on fire. He grabs a bucket, his brother grabs another bucket and they rush out to the water spigot. Now while they are on the back side of the fence, the fucking kids next door (who started the fire BTW) are shooting the kids and the fence with bottle rockets from their window. So as soon as one fire gets put out another starts. My kids finally gave up when the whole thing went WHOOSH! Cops show up, fire department shows up. It's all just a little excitement to start the day off right?
ME - Yes? (to cops at the door)
Cops - Ma'am we have witnesses who say your daughter (who was standing beside me) started the fire.
ME - I'm sorry that is impossible, she has been up to her elbows in kabobs with me all morning, she hasn't been outside at all.
Cops - Ma'am, I'm sure you would like to believe that, but we have witnesses who say otherwise.
ME - Well, your witnesses are lying, my daughter has not been outside all morning.
Cops - Well ma'am we are going to have to write you a ticket for the fire.
ME - WHAT THE FUCK are you talking about. How can you write me a ticket? I didn't have anything to do with the fire, neither did my kids.
Cops - Ma'am our witnesses say otherwise. They say your daughter was outside shooting bottle rockets with a young black boy.
ME - Officer, again, your witnesses ARE LYING.
In the process of being written a ticket for the fire (I was so mad I was shaking) another officer (who had been talking to the window bottle rocket shooters) came over right as the asshole was handing me the $150.00 ticket and said.... "It wasn't the daughter, it was the redheaded son"
ME - Well then you are as screwed as you were before because my oldest son has not been outside at all except when he tried to put the fire out and those boys next door were shooting bottle rockets at him from their window. Just like they did when they started the ORIGINAL fire.
Cops - Ma'am blaming other children does not remove the responsibility from you.
ME - What the hell does that mean? I am telling you my children had nothing to do with this and I am not going to put up with this bullshit. Those kids who have been giving you their eyewitness account are lying through their teeth.
Cops - Ma'am why don't we add a littering charge to that ticket as well?
ME - Are you fucking kidding me?
Cops - Have a safe 4th - as he hands me a fucking $250.00 ticket for littering.
$400.00 in tickets for a fire my kids not only didn't start but tried to put out and for littering firework remains all over the street when my kids hadn't even been home on Friday OR Saturday.
So I spent the day taking pictures of the kids shooting shit our their windows, the entire street and the mess. Of every damn kid on the block shooting fireworks. I'm going to fight this bullshit.
But..... don't think for an instant it's over.......
So I'm out back with the BBQ smoking my pork steaks and kabobs when the kid from upstairs walks out the back door and proceeds to pack off on the asshole kid next door. Mom of asshole kid next door does nothing to stop the fight. Says they are boys and this has been a long time coming. Problem is kid from upstairs isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and pretty much get's his ass beat. While this is happening, my friends are all freaked out. You just don't see alley fights in the burbs....
Kid from upstairs calmly walks away from the fight. Goes upstairs, gets a fucking gun and comes downstairs and goes over to asshole kid from next door and fires right over the top of his head three or four shots.
COMPLETE CHAOS ENSUES.....
Everyone goes crazy running for cover, someone grabs the kid from upstairs, gun disappears ( but not before I got a good look at it and saw it was not one of mine that was stolen) and the lady next door calls the cops.
My friends all leave. Well, all but one, she stayed with me the whole time.
Cops - Ma'am you were outside here when the fight broke out?
ME - What fight?
Cops - Ma'am the fight between the boy from your building and that boy (points to asshole kid).
ME - Officer I don't know what you are talking about.
Cops - (To my friend) Ma'am were you outside when the fight broke out?
My Friend - What fight?
At this point the bitch from next door is cursing me for everything but being a white woman. I just smiled.
The cops were all like Ma'am why are you lying to us? I just looked at them and smiled sweetly. I said very calmly and very loudly so every ghetto motherfucker heard me "Officer, I'm just like everyone else on this block when a crime occurs, I didn't see anything. Isn't it a good thing no one was hurt?"
So after the cops leave, the bitch from next door (asshole kid's mother) comes over to me and starts going off on me. I just looked at her and said "I am as good a neighbor to you as you are too me. I mean after all, when my house was robbed three fucking times in broad daylight and they got into my place 2 feet from your window which is ALWAYS open, you didn't see anything. So when shit happens to you, why should I see anything?"
I really thought she was going to hit me. She really thought she was going to hit me. She managed to stop herself and walk away.
And this was all before the real fireworks.....
Just another day...
Posted at 12:08 pm by KharaSiochain
I had to give this one it's own space.
Now I know I've mentioned the two break-ins to my house. The first was while I was in Florida and then they broke in again right after we got home. It was the same cop who came to my accident along with the cop from the second robbery who accused me of associating with the "criminal element".
They got me again on Monday and this time they got everything. I mean everything of any monetary or sentimental value.
It is probably best they got the guns last time because I am up for shooting someone.
My favorite part of this is when the cop from the second robbery asked where my boyfriend worked. Then right on the ass end of that question he asked if this boyfriend was black. I actually looked around to see who he was talking to. I was like I don't have a boyfriend at all. And so the cop asks why I'm living where I'm living then. I have mentioned I'm in the inner city of St. Louis right? So they leave, the fingerprint people come and just make a fucking mess. Didn't even check outside where the windows were pushed up. And I got the usual "We'll be in touch". I mentioned that that would be nice since I hadn't heard a word from anyone yet on the FIRST TWO robberies.
So while I was hoping to wait until the kids were out of school before I moved, it doesn't look like that will be an option for me.
I love my life!
Posted at 12:06 pm by KharaSiochain
It has been such fun in the house of chaos the last week. For some reason, the Kingsport Press screwed up and instead of running Dad's obituary on Saturday as we had arranged AND paid for, they ran it on Sunday, Father's Day. Now the obit had my phone number in it so I could get the names of those who wanted to be notified of when the service was going to be. So you can imagine the phone ringing off the hook. I was rather surprised at the calls but truthfully most were about my mother since she will be buried with Dad.
Now a fun fact about Khara. I'm adopted. My real father (we call him the sperm spreader) has probably screwed someone each of you know. Yeah he gets around THAT much. I am 13th of 14 here in the US that we know of. We have a couple of siblings in Vietnam, and at least one in Germany that WE ARE AWARE OF!!! I spent every summer of my childhood at the lake with my dad, his parents and siblings, my siblings and the dad's newest fuck buddy. EVERY FREAKING SUMMER!! Now the sperm spreader is a VFW member. It's his job with the local Kingsport VFW to read the obits and call the families of veterans and offer VFW assistance. Now he knew my dad (I was adopted when I was 7 by him), my mother's name was in the obituary, my name, the kids name and so on. Knowing this, the phone call went something like this......
SS - May I speak to Michelle...
Now I recognize the voice, I do know the man.
ME - This is
SS - This is Cris KJDFUYERBRW, are you R Wayne UYERIW's daughter?
At this point my soda came out my nose and I choked.
ME - cough cough cough... Can I help you with something?
SS - This is Cris OIURFEDOFOD I'm with the Kingsport VFW and I saw the obituary about your father R Wayne, is this his daughter?
OK I admit at this point I was truly dumbfounded. I mean not a single brother OR sister of mine had warned me the fucker had lost his marbles. Then I'm thinking, WTF this is MY FUCKING FATHER. So my response was not very nice.
ME - No asshole, I'm YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER!
At which point he sputtered and spazzed and made all the ususal excuses then said he wanted to take me and the kids to dinner when we came over for the service.
Ah the hilarity of my life... fun no?
Posted at 12:05 pm by KharaSiochain
It's during times like now that I understand the mentality and the emotion behind religion. The "high" of salvation, the comfort of prayer, the soothing rituals. It all makes more sense to me when I'm lost.
I've changed so much since the big move north. Performing any type of outdoor ritual does not go well in the ghetto. Superstition runs as high in these city streets as it does in the bayou. They'll shoot you here though instead of seeking out a local priestess for protection. Things I've always believed to be true, I began questioning. Hell I've been questioning everything. It's led me to a place I'm not quite sure I'm happy about.
See, when you're raised the way I was, so against the norm in the bible belt, going further away from that "bible belt mentality" is as easy as pie. I was raised to ask why, who, where, can you prove it? But in that there was also a very strong faith. Call it faith in the Goddess, God whatever you wish, I've always believed all gods are one god and their funnest game is fucking with the humans. None of the prayers or rituals are for the gods, they are for us. I've known that all along, but I still had faith.
That faith however, was a strength for me. The soothing nature of the rituals. The comfort of prayer, meditation and chanting. All of that is something I put aside when I moved to St. Louis. When I look for a good reason, I really can't find one except that when I began to question everything and to look at everything with a different attitude, that faith began to just drift away.
So now I'm here. I long ago embraced the chaos of my life. I see it as a test of my strength. Yeah, there are times when that strength is low and that was when I used to pray the hardest, now, I miss doing it because when you're down and climbing up may as well be Everest just to get street level, prayer was a boost. Yes I may have been fooling myself, but it sure as hell made things a lot easier on my heart.
I keep being told that I have to find myself again. I need to let go of the past and all of the bullshit associated with it. To release the anger. Just to let it all go. Problem is, once I do let all of that go, I'm not really sure there is anything left, because these days, I don't even have faith in me!
Posted at 04:38 pm by KharaSiochain