St. LouisI am just your average Witch.
Many of my beliefs come from various places along the Path of what most term as the Occult. Call it Paganism, Kemeticism, Druidism and a lot if 'isms they all make up the beliefs I hold dear.
I am a dreamer of dreams and a seeker of visions. I have spoken to the man in the mountain, and praised the Goddess in the clouds. I was gifted to see pieces of tomorrow and blessed with seeing lifetimes of the past.
My interests are as varied as the wind and as simple as the earth. I am a witch, a descendent of the Fae, and a believer and neighbor to the "Little People" who still reside today.
Say what you will of me, it matters not, for I am a daughter of the Goddess and under her divine protection.
~*~ Iris for wisdom, bluebell for truth, juniper for protection, lemon for youth, eucalyptus for healing, plumeria for love, marigold to divine messages from the Goddess above. A spell that is simple, fragrant and sweet, and will open the hearts of those that you meet! ~*~
I'm one of the few lucky people in the world to have both RA and MS. Now alone either of these can be debilitating. Together they will fuck you up. Meds alone run in the thousands per year. Close to $300 per month because there are no generics.
My health insurance at work just went thru the roof. Not to mention my ex lost his job and I have to carry the kids on my insurance now. As he isn't working, no child support is coming in either.
I sat down this weekend and crunched some numbers because my Gyno wants me to have a hysterectomy like yesterday as a tumor they diagnosed on 2007 that was the size of a golfball, is now larger than a softball. With the new deductable it is impossible to get the surgery and pay for my meds. Hell, without the child support, I've been off my meds since he missed his third payment last year anyway. So now, I discovered something quite disturbing for me. Short of getting a double my pay increase, it is cheaper for me to cancel all health insurance and take out a good life insurance policy. In other words, it's cheaper for me to die.
The payments for the insurance and the prepaid cremation are almost half of what my medical was per paycheck. Hospice will be free for my last days or weeks, and they won't come after my kids for anything as they are all under 21 and not legally responsible for my debt anyway.
So, today I made the decision to die. It will take a few years, they are estimating 3. In that time I will have had the life insurance over 2 years and a prepaid cremation will be paid in full. My kids will be well taken care of as the insurance is $500,000.00. The only thing left to do is just die.
Posted at 02:37 pm by KharaSiochain
I know there is something in my makeup that is broken and it can't be fixed. I know there is something wrong with me both mentally and emotionally that I think stems from whatever circuit is crossed or wire is broken in my basic make up. As a result, I am a sociopath. The problem is. I wasn't always this way, so whatever is broken now, wasn't broken when I was younger. I have to wonder if the years of my childhood being beaten broke something that never showed up on the x-rays. Or maybe it was done one of those times my parents couldn't take me to the ER because it was obvious someone had slammed me in the face with their fist multiple times.
In any event. I'm broken. I'm a sociaopath. I hate myself and my life. Other than a very few people I dislike almost everyone I know.
Here's the problem The key, the kicker to my little issue.
I do not see myself as a sociopath.
Here is a loose list of symptoms on which I'm basing my thoughts here....
- Displays heightened levels of deceitfulness in dealings with others, which involves lying, conning others without remorse, or even using aliases
- Inability to abide by the social norms and thus violating law
- Displays aggressiveness and often tends to get into assaults and physical fights
- Displays complete lack of empathy for others and their situation for which they are responsible
- Displays no feelings or shallow feelings
- Displays impulsive behavior which is indicated by the inability to plan for the future
- Displays no concern for safety of others around them or self
- Inability to sustain a consistent behavior that stems mainly from irresponsibility especially at work place or in other dealings
- Displays promiscuous behavior
The only place I use an alias is online. I rarely lie, in fact, people tend to get really mad because I don't lie, I tell them the truth.
I may speed on occasion. My insurance has lapsed a few times over the years. I have kept money and other things I have found in places that I could not find the original owner. I once, in high school, stole a few cars and drove them around with my boyfriend. However, they were all returned washed and with a full tank of gas.
I am aggressive and I do have a lot of verbal confrontations. However, at 5'2" I haven't gotten into any kind of physical confrontation since my school days.
I care about other people. I care about the few friends I have, I care about my children, I care about what family I have that still speaks to me. I care about them, their feelings and well just everything about them. I have sympathy for strangers to a point. I do not have sympathy more than once for people who whine and complain about things they can fix. My thoughts are fix it or stfu.
People say I am too emotional. A drama llama. I'm butthurt. The list is endless. Maybe it's better to say I show emotion but other than with my friends, family and children it is mainly negative.
I am impulsive. I am. I do things without thinking them thru. However, I do plan, or hope for the future. I can't truly plan as my life is so chaotic I don't make a lot of plans for myself too far into the future.
I have a very healthy concern for my own safety and the safety of those I love. I admit with strangers I don't much care. I would stop someone from walking in front of a bus, I wouldn't let a kid do something stupid, but otherwise, I don't much care.
I'm so consistent it's sad. Angels cry over how consistent I am. I've worked the same dead end job for 6 years with no raise and haven't made much of an effort to change that. I wake up the same time every day, eat the same things every week, wear the same clothes and when they finally wear out but ones that look just like them.
As for the last, I haven't had sex with a person in over 12 years. Just me and B.O.B.
I do not see myself as anti-social, I just don't make an effort to force myself on people and I never get invited anywhere to go and be social. If I were invited to something (which does happen maybe twice a year) I go and I enjoy myself and no one slaps me or kicks me out. People laugh at my jokes.
I don't have an abnormal moral conduct. I have morals. I know right from wrong and I'm well aware when I do something wrong. Problem is I usually don't care that I'm doing something morally wrong. Then again, my idea of morals is based on a die-hard pentecostal mentality in which i was raised so maybe there are other morals out there that are acceptable that would better suit me.
I don't know. I just know that I am accused of doing things which are typical with this list. I don't see what I may have said or done in the same light as they do but enough people are saying it that I have to believe that whatever it is that is broken, keep me from realizing just how terrible I am.
I've thought often in the last few years of suicide. My baby is 13 now, so I see it as a 5 year countdown before it would be an option. I'm unhappy. I've been unhappy for years. I'm lonely. I hurt, inside and out. My heart hurts. I want a relationship but I undermine it from the get go every time I manage to attract a guy without even really trying. I'm scared to death of getting attached and getting my heart broken again.
I upped my life insurance policy a while back. Made sure the one I have doesn't have a suicide clause. You pay a little extra but you know your kids will get the money once you finally get the balls to just be done with it.
Posted at 11:17 am by KharaSiochain
I’ve spent some time recently thinking over my views on Discordianism. On why I have claimed it, why I (thought I) wanted to be a part of it and why now, these days, the thought of what it has become to me just makes me want to vomit. It makes me ashamed of myself.
You know, for some people, there has to be a point. They have to have a reason to be motivated, to want to do something. In the last few years, since I’ve loosely been a part of a Discordian Society, I have searched constantly for a reason for some of the things they do and say to each other. A reason for treating each other like so terribly that it can physically affect people. I’ve tried to be a part of something but I find that not only do I not like parts of this type of Discordianism, but many of those parts of it make me absolutely sick.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand a lot of the thought process behind it. I understand the monkey mentality, the BIP (or what one can understand of the BIP), GASMS and so forth. My issues have arisen with how they treat each other.
This has become my biggest problem with Discordianism and one which the Discordians I know pride themselves on and one which makes me ashamed to be associated with it. The feeding upon each other, the way they treat each other with zero respect and even less consideration. Feelings and emotions have no place in Discordianism unless it is hate and rage. If you are hurt, you’re really just being immature and butthurt, and it does not matter what caused it. If you stand up for yourself, you are even more worthless to the group. You need to eat that pain and stand up and be a GOOD LITTLE DISCORDIAN MONKEY!!!
Oh you have your few who are above it all. And you have some who only participate in the feeding frenzy when they are bored. Then you have those who do so because they are incapable of remaining neutral.
It’s one thing to have an outside common enemy who deserves the scorn and humiliation. It is another to make someone who was your friend a few days ago your enemy today. Doing this only because the group or your special friend has done so?
Even when they have a common goal, it ends up being a blood bath among the original group. I have yet to see that change.
Then you have those who think they are just so much better than your average person. Does smarter make someone a better human being? Does talent and creativity make someone a better person? Not when it hurts people who have done nothing to deserve it. I’m sorry, I just don’t see the point of stomping on someone who is already on the ground who just a few days ago was being told they were a member of the group.
How is this any different than any hate group? The KKK, the Aryan Nation, hell rednecks and racists the world over. It’s a cult of hatred, verbal abuse and emotional torture. Why even bother to give it a name other than the one it earned in elementary school and long before some guys got high and wrote the Principia Discordia, why not just call it being the schoolyard bully?
OOK FUCKING OOK MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Posted at 03:50 pm by KharaSiochain
So I'm asking myself, after a weekend of reflection, at what point does an actual "internet friendship" begin or end? I mean you have people who you think are your friends that you have met and or interact with on the internet. But the question is, are these people really your friends?
I used to think so. In fact, I used to think that some of the people I considered my closest friends were really my friends IRL, not just internet connections.
These days though, I'm wondering if I am really just a lot more naive than I thought I was. Well, not really wondering, more along the lines of being angry with myself because I am a lot more naive than I thought I was or ever wanted to be.
I know better you see. I know better than to trust people. I know better than to count on people. I know better than to think I can vent or be myself with people because I can't do it with people I see in person, why should I be able to do so with people I interact with online?
So instead of letting these things hurt my feelings, make me cry, make me leave the internet, I think my best bet is to deal with the reality of internet friends =/= irl friends and put the whole thing in the category of people I'm nice too but don't count on for anything.
Now, I need to go find a few warm bodies to convince to be my friend.
Posted at 08:43 am by KharaSiochain
“Making the world a better place is a good thing to do. Everyone needs to have hope once in a while. “ – Quote, random bitch on the internet
“There is no hope, to have hope implies that there is a chance that something can be accomplished.” – Quote, me….
This started a shit storm for me and what was originally a sarcastic remark has become a focal point for me and what is really wrong with this planet.
We’re fucked. Now you can pretty that up as much as you want to but it isn’t going to change what has happened and what is going to happen.
We have used and abused the resources on this planet until they are almost gone. We’ve fought wars over these resources, people have died for the resources. DIED. Yet, for every person who steps up to the plate to say “We need to stop doing this shit” there are thousands who keep right on doing it. Trying to make changes happen on this planet is like trying to put out a wildfire with an eyedropper.
Do I think if humanity made a concerned effort to change things it could happen? Yes I do. Do I think humanity is capable of doing so? NO. I think them incapable of working together for a common goal. I mean honestly, is there anything of real importance that humanity as a majority agrees on?
So how can you feel there is hope for any change? How can one even argue for hope given what you see every single day on the news. Humanity, as a majority, is a selfish lot and they don’t care. For every “feel good” moment out there, there are thousands of moments of abuse, murder, torment and death.
So yes, my response may be circular reasoning (I don’t agree but I might have misread the definition) and yes it may be depressingly negative, and you might even think it is stupid. The problem is, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m right.
If you think I’m wrong, then make the changes needed to ensure humanity survives and I’ll be more than happy to apologize, until then…. I would suggest you come back to reality and understand that we’re fucked and we’ve done it to ourselves.
I, on the other hand, am researching where the best seat will be to watch it all burn!
Posted at 08:41 am by KharaSiochain
Hey you! Dammit HEY YOU!! Yes you, I’m fucking talking to you. What the fuck? Did somebody pee in your Cheerios? Because goddamn it, you’re acting like a total ass.
It’s time to get your panties out of a wad and get yourself back on track. I understand you’ve not been having the best of time. Guess what? It happens to the best of us. There is every chance my day has sucked just as much, if not more than yours. But do you see me running all over the fucking board ripping everyone a new asshole? No. Because shitting your hate does not mean shitting all over someone to do so.
Did you read that? It’s the main point of this whole rant. Here, I’ll give it to you again.
Shitting your hate does not require shitting all over someone to do so.
You have to let it go. I understand that. The punching bag in my basement understands that. It’s unhealthy and wrong to hold all that hate inside of you. But you have to stop and look at the cause. Now if it is truly that person who you don’t really know who wrote something on an internet forum that you truly hate, then so be it. Call them out and have a knockdown drag out. But do it the right way. Spew your venom, let it out, but keep to the actual point. Don’t drag bullshit from everywhere and anytime else into it. Address the issue and then just fucking move on.
That’s the point of shitting your hate you see. MOVING ON AFTERWARDS!!!! It’s a catalyst to move forward. It’s not skimming the scum off a stagnant pool to jump in and float around in the mire. You have to move on.
So take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Stop and think about that hate rolling in your gullet. No dammit, THINK about it. Take it out, look at it, see how it shines in the light, and see how it shoots sparks. Isn’t it beautiful in a truly terrible way? It practically hypnotizes you. Now put all that terribly beautiful hate down in words. Let it flow. Let it run like a river of lava destroying everything in its path. Let the resulting fires burn that rage until you have a pure flame. Now roast a marshmallow or two and let it go.
LET IT GO!!!
OOK OOK MOTHERFUCKER!!
Posted at 08:39 am by KharaSiochain
I'm tired. I'm tired of being told what to think, how to feel or what pill to take when I don't conform.
I'm tired of watching the world around me fall into the great shithole of stupidity and knowing that while there have been great people in the past, who have set out to achieve change and to try to make things better and actually accomplished those goals, I'm not one of those people. I used to be angry that I let things like that bother me, these days I just want to watch it all burn.
Maybe I should strive to be a world changer and it's quite possible my irritation with myself is over my own apathy rather than my impotence. Maybe I do have the ability to make real changes in the world around me. Maybe I can be the difference I want to see.
Then again, maybe the world isn't as terrible as I think it is and it's my own chaotic life I see going down the shithole. Or maybe I'm sick after a long, cold, snowy winter and I just need a good dose of sunshine.
Or maybe it's just time I stopped letting the monkeys get to me and work harder on enjoying the ride.
I can 'maybe' myself into or out of any situation and in truth don't we all? Don't we all try to justify our activism or lack thereof, do we not all rage for or against The Machine ™ at some time or another.
Do we not 'maybe' ourselves thru the hour, day, week, month…..
Yes there are terrible horrible things happening out there in the world. Yes, if we banned enough together we might actually achieve change. The real question is these days, "Do we want to?"
So here is what I've decided for myself. I'm getting back on that highway and I'm going to drive like there is no tomorrow until there is no tomorrow. I can't fix the world and at this point, I no longer want to try.
But I am damn well going to enjoy its collapse.
So what the fuck are you going to do?
Posted at 03:51 pm by KharaSiochain
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Screw New years Too......
Let me tell you what you can do with that fucking tree….
Yeah I'm talking to you. You know who you are. Every time I pass you on the street you tell me Merry Christmas. Every time I see you in the mall you ask "if I'm finishing up my Christmas shopping?" Every fucking time you are behind me in line at the grocery, you ask "if I've decided on what I'm cooking for Christmas dinner?"
What part of I do not know you have you missed? Why is this season of "peace on earth and goodwill towards men" one which means I have to speak to complete strangers about things I'm already stressing over and be fucking nice too? Do I look like a nice person to you? I'm sorry when did you get your eyes checked last?
Have you been rude to someone during Christmas? You would think I had just dropped a baby off a 20 story building. I mean damn, it is not that serious. I think if I do not initiate a conversation with you, then you should give me the same courtesy. Don't talk to me and I won't make you cry. How hard is that to understand?
I think I'm going to make me a Christmas season shopping t-shirt.
If Jesus is real, he would have been born in March. You are only celebrating this "birthday" in December because a bunch of old farts back in big beard and flip flop season thought they'd convert more heathens if they incorporated the local customs. Hence December stopped being the Winter holiday and became Christmas. Find me in March and tell me Merry Christmas then. I may have calmed down enough to only slap you once!!
Fuck New Years too while I'm at it!
Posted at 08:46 am by KharaSiochain
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
It really wasn’t that hard to figure out. It is one of those things that is so glaringly obvious you just keep on missing it until it smacks you upside the head.
What is this jewel of wisdom you ask…. It is very simple…..
Nothing will make them happy.
You know who they are. There is one or sometimes a few in every type of group you can possibly conceive. And because of them, there will never be a simple solution to anything. Why? Because there is always someone or some group which has to bitch just for the sake of bitching. Those who will find one point out of thousands to nitpick until the whole project gets the shitcan because the arguing has cost more than the actual results would have. And these people are everywhere. You all know one or two personally. You’ve all wanted to smack the shit out of them on more than on occasion
They say they want to be treated like everyone else. They don’t. It’s a lie. They only say that so they look like they are trying to be cooperative. They say that equality is essential. They just don’t mention that it isn’t essential for everyone.
So now we come to the issue of, how the hell do you deal with people like this? I have found a way that has been working for quite a while now. You repeat back to them what they say and make sure you add “Just to clarify” or something along those lines. For example, you present to the PTA a fundraising idea that could bring in a lot of money. Requires no effort on the school’s part. Just the selling of a few raffle tickets… Of course Mrs. Fuckerupper in the front row raises the first objection.
“I don’t think this will work, we’ve never done anything like this before. “
Your response would be…. “Let me clarify Mrs. Fuckerupper, because we’ve never done this before you don’t think this will work, and as a result of that thinking we should just shit can the whole raffle and not try and see how much we can raise. Knowing that other schools in the district have raised $$$ amount?”
See what I mean?
My grandpa used to say “Some people would bitch if they were hung with a new rope” It took me years to realize it didn’t mean they still should be hung no matter what kind of rope was used.
Posted at 08:50 am by KharaSiochain
Friday, September 23, 2011
Nit Picking or Picking Nits?
One of the problems I have found recently in my online life, is that the "group think" cluster fuck which we all wish we could avoid, is in fact alive and well and everywhere we go.
I think this is because we tend to migrate towards those who do think like us. We tend to spend time at places where, for the most part, we are part of a group that we feel we can belong to.
This is quite normal. We are after all just a higher form of pack animal. Like monkeys we prefer social groups to antisocial aloneness. We want to belong, to feel wanted, needed, liked, respected, listened to, even loved.
However, once in these groups, our negative behavior can rear it's ugly head. We no longer pick nits off our companions, we just nit-pick an issue into the ground. If one in the group says something someone doesn't like, the rest of the group will, for the most part, follow the first person to get aggressive. Never stopping to pay attention to the actual situation, people involved, or the accusations being flung like wordshit. It is in fact typical monkey behavior.
Now in a perfect world, these things not only would not happen, but if they did, the group would turn their backs on the aggressor and the one being accused. They would do the "human" thinking of let these monkeys fling their wordshit and beat their chests until one emerges triumphant. Or, they come to a civil, and very human, agreement to disagree.
Unfortunately this rarely, if ever happens. As a result, there are always people who feel they've been turned aside, rejected, thrown away from the group. Now these people have a few options. They can live on the outskirts of the group collecting scraps, taking the idea that attention is attention, whether good or bad. They can leave the group and become solitary. Forging their own path. Living their own life. Or they can join a new group.
What is rarely looked at, is what happens to the group when these holes are left by monkeys who choose one of the latter two options. When the monkey refuses to be satified with second guessing their self worth on a daily basis. Who refuse to collect scraps. Who know their own self worth and take it elsewhere so that it may be appreciated.
See people who know their strengths, their own self worth, however quiet they may be, quickly become part of a group's foundation. They may not be the smartest, or the prettiest or even the nicest. What they are is a strength to everyone around them. They are a bolster to the group as a whole.
When these people leave the group. The holes left behind need one of two things, to be refilled immediately or the monkey who filled them brought back to resume their place. The problem is, the other monkeys have gone in to "group think" mode and have gone beyond human intelligence and are stuck in ook ook overdrive. Because of that, monkeys rarely return to the group. As a result of that, the holes they leave behind tear the group apart a little more day by day.
What you end up with is a group of people who will just as soon turn on their own and eat them as not.
OOK OOK motherfucker!
Posted at 08:52 am by KharaSiochain