kharaschaos






KharaSiochain
Female
St. Louis
I am just your average Witch. Many of my beliefs come from various places along the Path of what most term as the Occult. Call it Paganism, Kemeticism, Druidism and a lot if 'isms they all make up the beliefs I hold dear. I am a dreamer of dreams and a seeker of visions. I have spoken to the man in the mountain, and praised the Goddess in the clouds. I was gifted to see pieces of tomorrow and blessed with seeing lifetimes of the past. My interests are as varied as the wind and as simple as the earth. I am a witch, a descendent of the Fae, and a believer and neighbor to the "Little People" who still reside today. Say what you will of me, it matters not, for I am a daughter of the Goddess and under her divine protection.

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~*~ Iris for wisdom, bluebell for truth, juniper for protection, lemon for youth, eucalyptus for healing, plumeria for love, marigold to divine messages from the Goddess above. A spell that is simple, fragrant and sweet, and will open the hearts of those that you meet! ~*~

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Monday, August 27, 2012
And it's all downhill.....
So, still no unemployment. I've been out of work for 5 weeks and nothing. The radiator alone will cost $100. I have no money and am going to have to turn down the new job because I can't even afford bus fare. I guess I could walk. It's only 8 miles. Of course I'd probably drop dead halfway there. My son seems to think money will magically fall from the sky. He's mad because he can't drive the car. Tells me he paid for the gas he can drive it if he wants too. I'm just waiting for the engine to blow. I am so fucked. Still feeling tbe same as yesterday. I have 10 vicoden left, between that and all the over the counter crap I have in the house I think I have enough to do it. I also have a few tall buildings within walking distance but I don't know that I'm able to get on the roof. I'll have to check that. I'm waiting to see if the unemployment kicks in tomorrow. If not, I'm done. I can't do this anymore.

Posted at 05:46 pm by KharaSiochain
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Sunday, August 26, 2012
Things Got Worse...
I have yet to see a penny of child support. Unemploment has not come yet. So though I did get a new job, I can't cover my bills until I start the new job. On top of it all my idiot son, who has already totalled 2 cars, decided I didn't know what I was talking about and so hasn't bothered to check the water and overheated my car and now it's fucked. I have no one. No family except my children. My folks have passed and any aunts or uncles or cousins are either so far removed or so snobby they don't know I exist. I have never been to this point in my life. I would honestly just rather die than continue on in total poverty. Only eating every couplw of dayz so the kids have food. Hell I can't even buy tampons or pads. I've been stuffing my underwear with toilet tissue until I realized I only had one roll left. There is enough food so the kids can eat tonight and tomorrow then nothing. I will have to walk the three miles to the food bank and pray they'll not ask a lot of questions. Otherwise they'll call DCF and I'll lose the kids. How did my life get this bad so fast? What did I do to deserve this? I'd shoot myself right now if I had a damn gun. They stole those in the first break in. How lucky is that?

Posted at 08:28 pm by KharaSiochain
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Friday, July 27, 2012
Unemployed and Scared Shitless...
Well I "parted ways" with the company I've worked the last 6 years with no raise for on Friday. There are no words. I've lost over 10 pounds and I still can't eat and keep it down. Unemployment and food stamps will take up to 10 days to even hear from them again. In the meantime I have bills to pay and three kids to feed.

Posted at 12:58 am by KharaSiochain
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Friday, July 20, 2012
I'll decide my own fate, thanks.....

What do you do when you see someone’s calendar and they have this….

 

Tuesday

 

Meeting “insert your boss’s name” re: “insert your name” fate

 

Now let’s not be hasty, it could be anyone in the company who has the same name as you right?

 

Well except you are the only one.  Then when you ask about it and you are lied to, well you start to get a bit suspicious,

 

Here’s the thing.  These two people are the last two people on earth who I would ever want in charge of my fate.  Both have repeatedly lied to me over the 6 years I’ve worked where I am at.  Promises made, only to be broken with no excuse.  I haven’t had a raise in 5 years.

 

So this morning, an error I made over 2 months ago was brought to my attention.  Yes, you guessed it, I’m being written up at some point I am sure.  Just waiting for it.  Then the controller calls me and asks when I am repaying the IOU from the cash box.  When I say next payday she starts to say something then hangs up.

 

So I figure, since I saw the re: my fate thing I’m being fired today instead of next Tuesday.

 

Moving to this hellhole city was the worst mistake I have made in my whole 44 years and I was a teenager in the 80’s.

 

Happy Friday.


Posted at 11:22 am by KharaSiochain
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Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Good Fight.

In November 1843, the Gettysburg newspaper The Republican Compiler printed what it claimed to be a verbatim report of a speech made to Republican forces by the Reverend Joab Prout, on the eve of the Battle of Brandywine:

 

"Soldiers - tomorrow morning we will go forth to battle ... your unworthy minister will march with you, invoking God's aid in the fight ... need I exhort you to fight the good fight for your homesteads, and for your wives and children!"

 

This has been on my mind for a while now.  “The Good Fight” What is this? Is there one left?  People talk a good line about “change” hell, a man won an election on the slogan “Change you can believe in”.  Have there been changes?  Of course there have.  Have they been ones we can believe in?  NO. 

 

So you ask why, why is it so difficult for people to not see what needs to be done, especially when the answers are right in front of their faces?  I think the reason is because no one feels they are fighting for their very existence.  The scary part is they are and they don’t even realize it.  Since they have never had to fight for their homes or their families, they can't comprehend what "The Good Fight" actually is.

 

Miyamoto Musashi said “Everything can collapse. Houses, bodies, and enemies collapse when their rhythm becomes deranged. In large-scale strategy, when the enemy starts to collapse you must pursue him without letting the chance go. If you fail to take advantage of your enemies' collapse, they may recover.”

 

We are at a point of failure.  We have not taken advantage of our enemies collapse, simply because we are our own worst enemy.  Very little that is happening in the world today is something that could not have been stopped before it even started.  For every inch we have gained across the globe, we have lost 6.  The compromise has killed us.  Well not physically killed us, but it has killed something inside of us that recognizes right from wrong, a part of us that knew when our fight was “the Good Fight” and stopped our realization of it becoming the “Ok Whatever Works”.

 

The author Arthur Gordon said “Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens.”

 

We have become an apathetic people.  We are paralyzed by our own actions.  We have allowed so many things to “pass along” lost so many inches that now, when we are miles from where we need to be everyone is scrambling for a route to salvation.

 

It is no wonder a political party that touts Christianity has gained such popularity.  People know there are problems.  People see that things are actually BAD WRONG.  They are desperate for a quick fix solution, never realizing the problem they are trying to fix is years in the making. The problem is, god is not going to fix the problem and I don’t know that we have what it takes to do so ourselves.

 

So where do we turn?  Who do we look to for guidance, leadership, answers?  I would suggest history, as it is bound to repeat itself, however, we do not seem to be able to learn from our mistakes.  Where does that leave us?  Within in 5 years of a downtrodden country, scrambling for food, killing for fresh water, dying for freedoms we gave away long ago.

 

I don’t believe there is a chance for change.  Whether we believe in or not.

 


Posted at 09:05 am by KharaSiochain
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Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Big Brother Went Home.....

 The sound shivers through the walls, through the table, through the window frame, and into my finger. These distraction-oholics. These focus-ophobics. Old George Orwell got it backward. Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing. He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother's holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're fully absorbed... and this being fed, it's worse than being watched. With the world always filling you, no one has to worry about what's in your mind. With everyone's imagination atrophied, no one will ever be a threat to the world.  Chuck Palahniuk

 

Everyone is so worried about Big Brother watching.  People spend hours every day wasting time and energy on the worry that someone might see something.  Bi-peds hold their privacy so close, it is as important to them as air.

 

Maybe that is the problem.  Everyone is so worried about who might see something they stopped concerning themselves with what they are or are not seeing.  See Big Brother isn’t watching us, we are watching him. 

 

Few are safe, because humanity has become addicted to watching everyone else, they’ve forgotten that there are traps they cannot see.  They don’t think about the things that once seen cannot be unseen.  So they watch. 

 

What are those Kardashians up to today? 

 

Who’s left in the Big Brother house?

 

Is Lindsey Lohan back in jail? 

 

Who will be the NEXT American Idol? 

 

While humanity is distracted with trivial interests like this, Big Brother, he’s kicking ass in every corner no one is looking.  While so many were worried about some little girl falling off a stage last night on American Idol, 28 people were killed and another 235 wounded in Syria. 

 

While everyone is watching everyone else’s status on Facebook, a couple was killed in Tennessee for un-friending another woman.  The couple’s eight month old baby was found in its dead mother’s arms.

 

While Obama caves on the birth control issue and the Catholic church continues with it’s go forth and multiply message, proven by the average daily births worldwide of 353,015, no one stops to wonder what happens when there is just no more room. 

 

Is it possible that we need to stop looking at the obvious and find out what the obvious is hiding behind its back?


Posted at 03:48 pm by KharaSiochain
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What To Do??

I know everyone believes that it's best to take a parent who does not pay their child support back to court.  For the most part, if one can afford it, I agree.  For myself though, I don't know. 

First off I still owe the lawyer from the divorce and he is not happy about that. 

Second, the ex is out of work, or so he says, so what good is taking him to court so he has more lawyer fees, airfare, hotel, rental car etc to add to his debt.

Third they will put him in jail in California which will keep him from getting a job and being able to pay his child support or take his license which will do the same thing which is sort of cuttin goff ones nose to spite ones face yanno?

However, I cannot continue to go on with him not paying anything. I've been trying to research how to file in California and maybe light a fire under his ass to get him going.  I don't think he will care if he goes to jail.  I know it will drive him batshit to lose his license but that will ruin him even attempting to find a job.

It's a lose lose situation and I'm the one getting shit on.


Posted at 10:53 am by KharaSiochain
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Monday, July 16, 2012
It's Cheaper to Die.

I'm one of the few lucky people in the world to have both RA and MS.  Now alone either of these can be debilitating.  Together they will fuck you up.  Meds alone run in the thousands per year.  Close to $300 per month because there are no generics.

My health insurance at work just went thru the roof.  Not to mention my ex lost his job and I have to carry the kids on my insurance now.  As he isn't working, no child support is coming in either.

I sat down this weekend and crunched some numbers because my Gyno wants me to have a hysterectomy like yesterday as a tumor they diagnosed on 2007 that was the size of a golfball, is now larger than a softball.  With the new deductable it is impossible to get the surgery and pay for my meds.  Hell, without the child support, I've been off my meds since he missed his third payment last year anyway.  So now, I discovered something quite disturbing for me.  Short of getting a double my pay increase, it is cheaper for me to cancel all health insurance and take out a good life insurance policy.  In other words, it's cheaper for me to die.

The payments for the insurance and the prepaid cremation are almost half of what my medical was per paycheck.  Hospice will be free for my last days or weeks, and they won't come after my kids for anything as they are all under 21 and not legally responsible for my debt anyway.

So, today I made the decision to die.  It will take a few years, they are estimating 3. In that time I will have had the life insurance over 2 years and a prepaid cremation will be paid in full.  My kids will be well taken care of as the insurance is $500,000.00.  The only thing left to do is just die.

 


Posted at 02:37 pm by KharaSiochain
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Friday, July 13, 2012
Broken

I know there is something in my makeup that is broken and it can't be fixed.  I know there is something wrong with me both mentally and emotionally that I think stems from whatever circuit is crossed or wire is broken in my basic make up.  As a result, I am a sociopath.  The problem is. I wasn't always this way, so whatever is broken now, wasn't broken when I was younger.  I have to wonder if the years of my childhood being beaten broke something that never showed up on the x-rays.  Or maybe it was done one of those times my parents couldn't take me to the ER because it was obvious someone had slammed me in the face with their fist multiple times. 

 

In any event. I'm broken.  I'm a sociaopath.  I hate myself and my life.  Other than a very few people I dislike almost everyone I know. 

 

Here's the problem  The key, the kicker to my little issue. 

 

I do not see myself as a sociopath. 

 

Here is a loose list of symptoms on which I'm basing my thoughts here....

  • Displays heightened levels of deceitfulness in dealings with others, which involves lying, conning others without remorse, or even using aliases
  • Inability to abide by the social norms and thus violating law
  • Displays aggressiveness and often tends to get into assaults and physical fights
  • Displays complete lack of empathy for others and their situation for which they are responsible
  • Displays no feelings or shallow feelings
  • Displays impulsive behavior which is indicated by the inability to plan for the future
  • Displays no concern for safety of others around them or self
  • Inability to sustain a consistent behavior that stems mainly from irresponsibility especially at work place or in other dealings
  • Displays promiscuous behavior

The only place I use an alias is online.  I rarely lie, in fact, people tend to get really mad because I don't lie, I tell them the truth.

 

I may speed on occasion.  My insurance has lapsed a few times over the years.  I have kept money and other things I have found in places that I could not find the original owner.  I once, in high school, stole a few cars and drove them around with my boyfriend.  However, they were all returned washed and with a full tank of gas.

 

I am aggressive and I do have a lot of verbal confrontations.  However, at 5'2" I haven't gotten into any kind of physical confrontation since my school days.

 

I care about other people.  I care about the few friends I have, I care about my children, I care about what family I have that still speaks to me.  I care about them, their feelings and well just everything about them.  I have sympathy for strangers to a point.  I do not have sympathy more than once for people who whine and complain about things they can fix.  My thoughts are fix it or stfu.

 

People say I am too emotional.  A drama llama.  I'm butthurt.  The list is endless.  Maybe it's better to say I show emotion but other than with my friends, family and children it is mainly negative.

 

I am impulsive.  I am.  I do things without thinking them thru.  However, I do plan, or hope for the future.  I can't truly plan as my life is so chaotic I don't make a lot of plans for myself too far into the future.

 

I have a very healthy concern for my own safety and the safety of those I love.  I admit with strangers I don't much care.  I would stop someone from walking in front of a bus, I wouldn't let a kid do something stupid, but otherwise, I don't much care.

I'm so consistent it's sad.  Angels cry over how consistent I am.  I've worked the same dead end job for 6 years with no raise and haven't made much of an effort to change that.  I wake up the same time every day, eat the same things every week, wear the same clothes and when they finally wear out but ones that look just like them.

 

As for the last, I haven't had sex with a person in over 12 years. Just me and B.O.B.

I do not see myself as anti-social, I just don't make an effort to force myself on people and I never get invited anywhere to go and be social.  If I were invited to something (which does happen maybe twice a year) I go and I enjoy myself and no one slaps me or kicks me out.  People laugh at my jokes. 

 

I don't have an abnormal moral conduct.  I have morals.  I know right from wrong and I'm well aware when I do something wrong.  Problem is I usually don't care that I'm doing something morally wrong.  Then again, my idea of morals is based on a die-hard pentecostal mentality in which i was raised so maybe there are other morals out there that are acceptable that would better suit me. 

 

I don't know. I just know that I am accused of doing things which are typical with this list. I don't see what I may have said or done in the same light as they do but enough people are saying it that I have to believe that whatever it is that is broken, keep me from realizing just how terrible I am.

 

I've thought often in the last few years of suicide.  My baby is 13 now, so I see it as a 5 year countdown before it would be an option.  I'm unhappy.  I've been unhappy for years. I'm lonely.  I hurt, inside and out.  My heart hurts.  I want a relationship but I undermine it from the get go every time I manage to attract a guy without even really trying.  I'm scared to death of getting attached and getting my heart broken again.

 

I upped my life insurance policy a while back.  Made sure the one I have doesn't have a suicide clause.  You pay a little extra but you know your kids will get the money once you finally get the balls to just be done with it.

 

 


Posted at 11:17 am by KharaSiochain
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Thursday, July 12, 2012
OOK OOK

I’ve spent some time recently thinking over my views on Discordianism.  On why I have claimed it, why I (thought I) wanted to be a part of it and why now, these days, the thought of what it has become to me just makes me want to vomit.  It makes me ashamed of myself. 

 

You know, for some people, there has to be a point.  They have to have a reason to be motivated, to want to do something.  In the last few years, since I’ve loosely been a part of a Discordian Society, I have searched constantly for a reason for some of the things they do and say to each other.  A reason for treating each other like so terribly that it can physically affect people.  I’ve tried to be a part of something but I find that not only do I not like parts of this type of Discordianism, but many of those parts of it make me absolutely sick.

 

Don’t get me wrong.  I understand a lot of the thought process behind it.  I understand the monkey mentality, the BIP (or what one can understand of the BIP), GASMS and so forth.  My issues have arisen with how they treat each other. 

 

This has become my biggest problem with Discordianism and one which the Discordians I know pride themselves on and one which makes me ashamed to be associated with it.  The feeding upon each other, the way they treat each other with zero respect and even less consideration.  Feelings and emotions have no place in Discordianism unless it is hate and rage.  If you are hurt, you’re really just being immature and butthurt, and it does not matter what caused it.  If you stand up for yourself, you are even more worthless to the group.  You need to eat that pain and stand up and be a GOOD LITTLE DISCORDIAN MONKEY!!! 

 

Oh you have your few who are above it all.  And you have some who only participate in the feeding frenzy when they are bored.  Then you have those who do so because they are incapable of remaining neutral. 

 

It’s one thing to have an outside common enemy who deserves the scorn and humiliation.  It is another to make someone who was your friend a few days ago your enemy today.  Doing this only because the group or your special friend has done so?

 

Even when they have a common goal, it ends up being a blood bath among the original group.  I have yet to see that change. 

 

Then you have those who think they are just so much better than your average person.  Does smarter make someone a better human being?  Does talent and creativity make someone a better person?  Not when it hurts people who have done nothing to deserve it.  I’m sorry, I just don’t see the point of stomping on someone who is already on the ground who just a few days ago was being told they were a member of the group.

 

How is this any different than any hate group? The KKK, the Aryan Nation, hell rednecks and racists the world over.   It’s a cult of hatred, verbal abuse and emotional torture.  Why even bother to give it a name other than the one it earned in elementary school and long before some guys got high and wrote the Principia Discordia, why not just call it being the schoolyard bully?

 

OOK FUCKING OOK MOTHERFUCKERS!!!


Posted at 03:50 pm by KharaSiochain
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